Loneliness and being on your own

Step by step

1. 1

   Step 1: Take it as seriously as a physical symptom

   Persistent loneliness affects health in ways comparable to well-known physical risks, and it is associated with poorer sleep, low mood, and worse outcomes across the board. Naming it as a health matter rather than a private embarrassment is the first useful thing. There is also a finding worth knowing, because of what it does to the shame: brain imaging work has shown that a spell of social isolation produces activity strikingly like the craving you feel when hungry. Wanting company appears to be wired in as a signal, much as hunger and thirst are. Feeling lonely is not a failure of character or a sign you are poor company. It is a body asking for something it needs.

   Learn more: Meaning and belonging in healthy ageing
2. 2

   Step 2: Know that alone and lonely are different

   People can be content on their own and painfully lonely in a full house. What matters is not how many people are nearby but whether you feel known by any of them. That distinction matters, because the fix is rarely more company in general; it is a few connections with some depth.

   Learn more: Stress: what it is, and why not all of it is bad
3. 3

   Step 3: Understand why it crept up

   It is usually circumstance rather than anything you did. Retirement removes daily contact, children move away, friends die or become unwell, driving or mobility narrows, and widowhood removes the person you spoke to most. Several of those often arrive close together. Seeing it as circumstantial makes it far easier to address.

   Learn more: Sleep & recovery
4. 4

   Step 4: Choose something regular over something big

   One weekly thing with the same faces beats an occasional large gathering every time, because familiarity is what turns contact into connection. It also asks less of you on a bad day, since turning up is enough and nobody expects you to perform. This is precisely what a neighbourhood club is for.

   Learn more: Activities at Zealver Clubs
5. 5

   Step 5: Have something to offer, not only to attend

   The strongest antidote is being needed rather than merely included. Teaching something, welcoming a newcomer, keeping the tea going, checking on someone who missed a week. Being useful to other people does more for loneliness than being entertained by them. If low mood persists alongside it, speak to your doctor as well.

   Learn more: Ten essentials of healthy ageing

All topics in this guide

• Meaning and belonging in healthy ageing
• Stress: what it is, and why not all of it is bad
• Sleep & recovery
• Activities at Zealver Clubs
• Ten essentials of healthy ageing

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